I must be honest and say I’ve been going back and forth on rather I should write a blog piece about this sensitive subject. It’s been seven months since I’ve taken the courage to come out of the F.O.G ( Fear, Obligation, & Guilt) and seek the help I needed to emotionally, mentally, and spiritually heal from my ordeal of emotional abuse from my mother. Although I’ve contemplated about sharing my journey of hope and healing I am convinced that I am not alone with what I experienced and by having the courage to speak the truth about my story may some how help other women through encouragement and empowerment and reminding that woman/or women they are not alone.
I have learned through my experience that the whole idealization of what a mother represents makes it extremely difficult for others to understand when you as the daughter makes the decision to place distance between the two of you. This decision erupts such strong emotions and opinions from others concerning your choice. It reminds me of what you experience when your pregnant it seems during those nine months of carrying the child people feel they can impart any and every piece of their mind concerning your pregnancy. But just like the example of the pregnancy, although their maybe commonalities, it’s still your unique journey. This same principle applies to mother and daughter relationships. Although it is hard to fathom this reality but the hard core truth is that not all mothers are capable to provide healthy love to their daughters.
Emotional abuse is so psychological it is hidden deep within the fabric of the mother and daughter dynamic that it’s usually invisible to the naked eye. Which makes another reason why when you as the daughter finally have the courage to take your stand most people can not understand your decision. Emotional abuse doesn’t show visible signs of harm. But the harm is done internally to your mind and spirit; Your sense of self-worth, identity, and self-esteem is so severely damage. These damages done internally externalize themselves in many different forms throughout the daughters life. I will speak candid about my journey and share that my damage externalize through choosing bad relationships, not having any sense of direction or identity in my life, depression and anxiety, having no value to myself so putting everyone else before my needs, anger, and poor lifestyle choices. From the outside looking in everything seems fine but on the inside you the daughter are slowly dying. I think the quote from one of my favorite movies, Beyond the Lights, says it best: “It’s like I’m suffocating in the middle of the street and no one can see me dying,”.
Through doing the hard work of seeking counseling, doing the homework, processing the feelings and emotions, forgiving my mother, forgiving myself, unpacking the many layers of baggage I was carrying and most importantly allowing Gods love to warm my inner spirit I began the healing process. At this point in my life I feel such a freedom I’ve never experienced before. My Creator has revealed during those hard difficult times of my life He was actually present gently wrapping me in His love. He has changed my story from shame and guilt to one of victory, transformation, liberation and unconditional love.
I will end this blog piece with saying it is my hopes by me sharing my story it may inspire, empower, and encourage any woman/women who may be experiencing the same journey that I’ve been through. If you don’t get anything else from this message please remember these last words: YOU ARE VALUE, YOUR VOICE MATTERS, YOU SERVE PURPOSE, YOU ARE LOVED!
Resources for Healing
The Invisible Scar